I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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