How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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