god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
