I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
