I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
