We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
