i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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