i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize