her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
