That reminds me...we need to get swords
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
