My Higher Power is John Stamos
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
