Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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