If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
