Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
