he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
