smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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