so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
