he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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