I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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