A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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