You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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