We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
