I am puke
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
