I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
