Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
