Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
