I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
