if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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