Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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