So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
