Already got asked if we're dating
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish my penis had an off switch
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
whose ass print is on the piano?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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