when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
