I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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