Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
