I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
