I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
