Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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