i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
