the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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