The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
