Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
