3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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