4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
