Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.