I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.