Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.