Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
