Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
