mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
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My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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