bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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