Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I want is dick and wine.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
