No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
there is glitter all over my balls
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
