How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
