you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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