I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
