Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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