my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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