Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
