Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
