I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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