If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
