i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
this hospital has no fireball
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
