I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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